I woke up this morning with a feeling of "I should probably be awake by now." However, being on a trip with my mom, I knew she would take care of making sure I was up... or would she? Now that I was grown, maybe she had quit that routine. Come to find out she had left to get breakfast from McDonalds. Luckily, I get ready fast.

We arrived at the hospital around 8:40 for a 9am appointment. This hospital is amazing at its ability to check-in patients and move them through their appointments with amazing efficiency. We were in to see the doctors by 8:50... and an "all-day" appointment was over at about 12pm.

In a nutshell, we believe dad has ALS... Lou Gehrig's disease. Monday are when all the ALS specialists are at the hospital. We saw a nutrionalist, a speech therapist, and physical therapist, a counselor and then our regular doctor. I honestly believe this appointment was a wasted trip. I will do my best to fully explain my dad's medical situation at another time.

On the way home we stopped at my sisters house to visit. She likes to sleep so we assumed that's why she wasn't answering the door. She left the house unlocked so we walked in... my mom checked the bedroom, and I checked the living room... just as my sister walks around the corner without a top! Luckily, she is a very fast draw and covered herself before I was mentally wounded. I say all that to say this... lock your doors when you have nosy family and are planning to walk around naked.

When we arrived home I began to pack my things to leave while mom fixed dad something to eat. As I entered the kitchen dad attempted to eat some oatmeal... and it went down the wrong pipe. It was quite obvious he couldn't breathe. Mom got behind him and tried the heimlich(sp?). I jumped in and was able to help him gulp a few breathes before he got the food up. Luckily dad has decided to get a feeding tube... something that he has been refusing for several months.

I know it has to be tough to concede certain things in life. As long as you can walk, you feel independent. As long as you can talk you don't feel alone. As long as you can see, you feel connected with your surroundings. As long as you can work, you feel like a man. What happens to your confidence, emotions, spirit, will to live when you begin to concede that you can no longer do those things. For a while now, my mom has been the only one able to understand what dad is saying. On occasion he will say, "I used to work." What is like to feel like a burden? He can't talk. What's it like to live day to day without the ability to express your feeling, your love, your anger? What's it like to not be able to eat? At what point will he realize that there's a good chance he won't get better? Was that why he refused the feeding tube? Did he know that would be a clear mark of a point of no return. Was he thinking, "as long as I feed myself, I will be OK." I am dreading the day he can no longer walk. He has worked hard his entire life. Work made him feel whole. What happens when he can no longer move? I don't want to think about it... it hurts me too much to know what he will be experiencing.

During lunch on Sunday, my dad pointed out the window towards the area he cleared more than a year before. He said something that I could not understand. After several attempts mom was able to interpret, "build me a shop." Dad has always dreamed of having somewhere to put his tools... to park his tractor... to work on his vehicle... a place of his own... However, after all the years of hard work, providing a wonderful, simple life for us, he has never been able to have one. About a year ago he cleared an area and prepared for a slab. I'm not sure why that slab was never poured, but it wasn't.

I, more than anything, want to be able to build dad a shop. I know he may never get to use it, but I truly believe he would be a happier man knowing that goal was achieved. I just don't know how to make that happen. I don't have the knowledge to build the shop... I don't have the money to pay someone to build it... and even if I did, I know I wouldn't do it like he had in mind. I just don't want to live with a regret of knowing I could have made him happy with a little sacrifice when he has sacrificed so much, everything, for his family. I pray that God will allow me, show me a way to fulfill this goal.